LOCATION: "Far Out" of Hua Hin
HARES: Ballbanger & Pedalphile
I remember back in the days of the early 70’s when hippies roamed the land, a common phrase one might hear from these colourful long haired patchouli scented nomadic peace loving people was “far out man”, usually accompanied by a two fingered sign which apparently is making a comeback amongst the shorter haired new trend setting generation.
With hare for the day Pedalphile unavailable, perhaps due to the trail being too “far out” out" of Hua Hin for his liking, it was left to our trusted hasher Ballbanger to be the sole hare hare for the day, alongside his many other duties such as hash cash, GM and all the other other hash activities this hash veteran gets up to including the smoking of his hash peace pipe which I am assured is really really “far out man”!
Ballbanger blew his whistle and we all gathered round to hear his mumbled instructions for the trail which sounded like Swahili in an American accent. “Paper could be on the left, could be on the right and could even be down the middle, in fact it might not even be there at all” Not very helpful information to the bemused gathering, I even noticed one of our Russian hashers consult his Swahili to Russian phrase books for help. Ballbanger soon redeemed himself acting as lollipop man to make sure we crossed the main road safely in order to set us on the start of the trail.
… which could only be described as such...
There were so many false trails I had the feeling we were going around in circles to the point of getting dizzy. The Shangri-Las sly slow coaches (try saying that with a couple of Leos down your neck), soon cottoned on to Ballbangers cunning plan and hovered around at the back waiting for the fitter leaders of the pack to find the true on on. “They felt so helpless what could they do” (Get it?... I’ll get me coat). These false trails certainly kept the pack close for a large part of the trail and I lost count the times I was overtaken by the front runners.
Even Odd Sox led the trail for a good 10 seconds!
As the trail got more serious the scenery became more pleasant and it is easy to say that we hashers all enjoyed the various photogenic picturesque paradisiacal landscapes of palinspastic qualities with copious views of paludicolous plants that would delight the pants of a gregarious geologist, an enthusiastic botanist or even a budding biocologist. (It was a pretty trail) ? The trail for the walkers was level with scenic forest pathways, much of the same for the runners except for a huge speed bump added for running pleasure, in total about 5.5km for the walkers and 6.5km for the runners. The Flying Scotsman and Sodomy were first of the runner’s home and as usual Wallace was the first walker. As each hasher returned back to base, the overall consensus was that it had been an excellent trail. So… what can I say for the most bizarre circle I have ever experienced? Hash Pig, Pick, Lick, Roll & Flick looked menacing as he prowled the circle with his honking Hash pig but he didn’t really have much to do because the gregarious fun loving hashers in the circle never got too much out of hand, possibly due to the deterrent punishments being handed out by the GM for misdemeanours! Nut Cracker was called into the circle for using her mobile phone at the same time the circle ceremonies were taking place. If Ballbanger had known her name was Nut Cracker and not Nut Sucker as he mistakenly called her, he might have thought twice before placing her phone into a cup of beer! The choir were then asked to Down Down the phone submerged in the cup of piss before Ballbanger took it back out and threw the offending object into the weeds. Obviously delighted at his evil deed, and with a lust for more dastardly action, Space Cowboy was called in to surrender his very expensive GPS tracker to the GM which was unceremoniously thrown against a brick wall. What’s next one may ask? Adams Apple was summoned into the circle and when she was offered a choice of some Black Cock Whiskey or some Leo to be drank from an already occupied bed pan, she did not hesitate to take the Black Cock.
In a moment of relative sanity, Whoremonger from Bangkok who has ran with the Cha Am hash in the distant past was welcomed back with his girlfriend Healing Hands and his friend from Malaysia Slinky Pole along with the Malaysian kids Winston, Wilson and Kelly.
An unnamed lady from Bonny Brechin Scotland was summoned to the inner sanctum as our sacrificial virgin who informed us that it wasn’t long or hard enough but she did come with her American friend Ryan. Odd Socks was presented with the Hash Shit I think for the offense of being Odd Socks and a resounding happy birthday was sung to someone who’s initials were F U as the song went “Happy Birthday F. U. Happy Birthday F.U. Happy Birthday Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday F. U. Various returners and leavers were down downed, too many to remember… well what do you expect?... I was still in shock from the bizarre shenanigans of our crazy madcap gadget breaking GM! There was no restaurant scheduled for on after the run. Instead we were asked to bring along a picnic basket with sandwiches or whatever we may want to eat and there were two barbeque grills available for everyone’s use. About half the hashers left and half of us stayed, illuminated by an almost full moon and gas burners. The barbeque party was a roaring success with oldie style 60’s music, laughter, dancing and the most delicious lamb skewers accompanied with mouth-watering barbequed vegetables. In the spirit of peace, love and sharing, food was given out to those who had none and our American hasher Ryan surrounded himself amongst a harem of beautiful ladies from Russia, Scotland and England. As “Have You Had Me Yet” danced shamen style to the sound of Smokie, a spectacular sparkling shooting star burst through the sky silhouetting the moon. It could almost be described as a “happening”. It was Really Really Far Out Man!